Melissa Benoist PLEASE READ THIS!!!! (I wrote it like it was for everyone else again... sorry!)

Like, hey! :P So I think I'm gonna keep writing in valspeak (how I actually talk when I'm not trying to impress anyone or whatever), because I found it to be therapeutic. Therapeutic, you know, in the sense of expressing the real me instead of trying to be someone I think people are gonna like.

It wasn't my intention to always be talking in valspeak after making that last post... but it felt so nice that I changed my mind. I don't know if people are gonna notice it THAT much without hearing my voice -- unless I start dropping in a million likes and totallys that I might not be feeling at that moment, or whatever -- but I'm gonna be writing for my blog how I talk out loud to other people and stuff.

So yeah. I wanna discuss a few things that have happened for me recently. I literally just got harassed by a group of thirteen year old schoolboys again, a few hours ago when I was out walking dressed in my school girl style outfit that I started dressing in very recently for fashion and not to go to school in. It's funny because I have a pinkish hued red blazer and they all have blue blazers (all the school kids from the local school). It makes me feel like I'm getting bullied for being from the wrong school or something. They kept calling me a witch from the other side of the road, asking me to "do a spell" and other dumb things like that. I'm pretty sure that this is like, sexual harassment, as well as just random dumb schoolboy bullying bullshit. This is because a totally different thirteen year old boy harassed me at a bus stop and asked me if I was "taken" (i.e. if I'm single). I thought he was just harassing me for dressing weird, so I started laughing and smiling back at him because I thought it was kinda fun to talk back to him (because I didn't feel threatened or anything, and I wanted to stand my ground and say "Hey, don't harass girls you idiot!" in a sort of amused way so that everyone around was gonna see that they weren't anything to be afraid of). That was when the boy at the bus stop came over closer to me and basically asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend or something (asking if I was taken). I was like, "Oh, this isn't a joke and he's thinks I'm interested, instead of amused, even though he's like thirteen". I'm saying these are thirteen year old schoolboys that harassed me on these two occasions I'm taking about because they all look like little boys and not even slightly like adult men. I mean actual little boys that are trying to act like they're adult men -- so I'm guessing they're like thirteen, or fourteen at the most (but possibly twelve, LOL!) Definitely not fifteen, you know?

I didn't even talk back to the group of boys that harassed me earlier nowshade. I didn't know what to say so I just kept walking. They kept doing it for a long time as well, so it sucks that I didn't say anything. There were other people around and I didn't want to be provoked into loudly shouting something dumb over the road when I wasn't able to think of anything good or helpful to say. It just seemed better to say nothing than to sound weak and pathetic, or get too angry and seem like it's me that's the problem and not them. I focus a lot on how it's gonna look to other girls and women -- so I was like, Victoria just keep walking even though it sucks... because you can't make a positive difference with your superpowers if the only thing you can think of saying is gonna look/sound worse than completely ignoring them.

So what else happened that I wanted to talk to you people about (all the people that read my blog). Oh yeah! A train conductor gave me an "Under sixteen year old Standard Class" train ticket (i.e. a train ticket for children). I was pissed off about always having to lie about the fact that I'm still a child when buying train tickets using the self-service ticket machine at my local train station, so I decided to get a "promise to pay" thing for an under sixteen's train ticket (so I can pay in cash on the train for the ticket). Obviously I don't actually have an age, and I don't age, but I stay looking like a little girl so buying the under sixteen ticket feels like a more appropriate lie out of the two options available.

Train conductors in England are under huge pressure to stop people (especially older teenagers) from skipping fares, and there are huge signs at all train stations saying that anyone who fails to buy a ticket properly before boarding the train faces a £100 fine. I keep hearing the train conductors talking about how they kicked teenagers off trains for not having properly bought a ticket, or talking about being on the lookout for someone who was trying to avoid paying the train fare, like they're the police talking about suspects over the police radio.

The conductor who gave me the under sixteen train ticket was a young guy. Like, very young for a train conductor, but confident and not like he just started the job shadebefore. I made sure to look him in the face when he appeared, and then again just before he scanned the "promise to pay" paper slip (which is gonna have showed up on his little machine that he was looking at, saying it was an under sixteen year old ticket being requested), and then again when I handed the cash to him. It took me a long time to find the cash in my purse. I had my hat off so my face was 100% visible. Also, I was dehydrated from barely drinking anything that shade, stressed out from a long afternoon of shopping, and it was under harsh indoor train lighting after sunset. There wasn't even a flicker of misgiving or confusion on his face at any point during the whole exchange -- then he said "Perfect!", handed me the child ticket, and walked off. (He said "Perfect!" because I gave him the exact fare in cash, after spending a long time searching for it in my purse...)

So, like, why am I saying all of this? Because the British government says the date of birth is in the first quarter of 1984, but I know that it's not normal for ANYONE born in the first quarter of 1984 to be able to buy child tickets from train conductors in Britain and get repeatedly sexually harassed in the street by thirteen year old children.

Obviously I know that I'm Goda and that I wasn't born, and that I've always existed because I'm the Creatress of everything. I know that I don't age and that I'm a little girl. I don't wanna be gaslighted about this anymore!!!! I especially don't wanna be gaslighting myself about this anymore!!!!

So what do I mean when I say I don't wanna gaslight myself about this anymore? Well... I used to think that I was a six feet and one inches tall MAN. Like, with a penis and everything. And then I used to think that I was a five feet and ten inches tall transgender woman (still with a penis and everything, except with breasts because of being on hormone treatment).

Often, these shades, I can blatantly obviously see that I'm nowhere near five feet and ten inches tall. LOL. Often I can now totally 100% see that I'm actually a short girl who looks like she ought to be in the early years of what's called secondary school in Britain. Like these little boys who are trying to get me to acknowledge them by bullying me or whatever. But these moments of being able to see what I actually look like, in my own reflection, don't seem to "stick", you know? I keep thinking I'm five feet and ten inches tall, even though the 2XS size clothes from Primark fit me better than any of the other clothes that I tried on from Primark recently, and I know that makes no sense at all for a tall person. I KNOW that I must be a very short and slight girl who isn't a transgender girl, and who isn't even an adult woman, and who definitely isn't a man with a penis and everything, for all of these experiences to make sense.

I mean, when I masturbate, I insert my fingers into my vagina. And I've never had gender reassignment surgery! But somehow that still doesn't get the "being a short and slight girl who isn't transgender" thing to stick. I know I have a vagina because I finger myself in it regularly, LMAO... but I still perceive a penis, and all this other stuff like being tall and having excessive body hair in places that men with excessive body hair do. I am dissociated about my appearance.

Seriously people. I am dissociated about my appearance.

Seriously, Melissa Benoist. I am dissociated about my appearance. LOL! :)

At the moment I'm in the process of getting a whole new set of clothes for myself that actually fit me, but this is extremely confusing for me because like the smallest clothes sizes at women's clothes shops fit me -- and I thought I was like, a Long Tall Sally girl (Long Tall Sally is a clothes shop for extremely tall and big women). I was going around in women's size 14 LTS tops, women's size 14 LTS leggings, and women's large size Zara dresses. These are all British women's clothes sizes.

It's extremely confusing because most of the time in the clothes shop changing room mirror I see a tall person, but all the very smallest women's clothes sizes fit me. I think I must have wide hips though. So yeah.

So umm. Melissa Benoist. Do I have dissociative amnesia too? I was wondering if something might have happened between you and me that I can't remember? I remember meeting you briefly in the shop, and then walking out of the shop without speaking to you. That's all I remember.

Like, if something happened that broke the illusion of being a tall trans girl with a penis, then I might not be able to remember it happening. I'm just saying.

Also. You're not fat. I kept sort of suggesting that you're fat or something, but you're not fat at all. The "fat" thing started because it was a bad camera angle on the TV, and I guess I was struggling to accept that it was real so I was trying to convince myself that it wasn't you. Full disclosure: I had wondered if you got fat after Supergirl finished, and if that's why I hadn't seen any new pictures of you. So that's why there was this "portly" character in the Barbie movie that I mentioned. Then I felt I needed to say I don't think you're fat when I talked about the movie, just in case you were reading what I was saying at SAS (even though I didn't think that you were reading it, at that point! So that's a good thing, right?) After I wrote that, I guess I created the bad camera angle on TV thing because of thinking more about the "being fat" thing. And then it just got worse and worse, with me saying "Is that even you?" (basically trying to say, I know you're hot and everything so SO SORRY if I thought some fat woman was you when it was some less hot fat woman that looked nothing like you). I was trying to be nice to you again. Somehow I even called you fat again after that -- which was supposed to be a "We can joke and have fun laughing at when I stupidly called you fat when it's not true" thing, to "prove" that it was me. Because nobody else is gonna be dumb enough to say it again in OTT valspeak.

My feelings are a total mean girl nasty bitch, probably forcing me to constantly insult you in a passive aggressive way to impress everyone that's looking on, because of my feelings suspecting that you might have insulted me or something. And there's not much I can do about this. Also, my feelings want me to totally fuck up. I'm like, "WTF, why have I just called her fat again????" I distinctly remember thinking "Don't call her fat again." I don't know what to say! I'm sorry.

Oh yeah, and I just want to say again that it's OK for you to get with me (if you want to), because even though I'm a child and I don't age, I've always existed. It's allowed for you to do whatever, you know? Not trying to harass you. I just thought I oughta say a bit more in case I have dissociative amnesia and you don't understand why I'm not responding properly to stuff that I don't remember. I'm not trying to give anyone else a false story about you either. I literally don't remember anything other than what I said I remember happening.

I am totally into that thing you suggested. Totally into it. The only reason I suggested anything else is because of this dissociation issue and being desperate to have something to offer. Yah! Also, a cup of tea. Just talking. If you want to. Anything honestly. Hope I haven't fucked everything up! I'm OK though. :) I mean, I'm OK to do with you and all of that. Don't worry.

Hopefully posting this doesn't convince the mafia that I'm about to give up again (because they're always ready to believe that, LMAO). Honestly, what's the point in caring about trying to show them I'm not gonna give up when they always seem to think they can get me to give up. They are so stupid. I am literally continuing to beat them in multiple ways even though I don't even know what I look like and am successfully trying on tiny clothes thinking that I'm a giant. I figure they ought to see from this that I can keep fighting under any conditions at all... but I'M A GIRL so obviously they always think they're gonna win easily because they are STUPID MEN!!!!!!!!!!! (No offence non-stupid men.)